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I got Kingdom Hearts RE: Chain of Memories. And I don't really feel like playing it. It's weird. I usually lock myself into a dark room and play new games I love for hours.
But Kir randomly vanished to his dad's on a 'don't-know-when-i'm-coming-back' basis. >_> For Christmas, apparently. So. Yeah..
Working too many hours at once lately... just... sick with loneliness and holiday blues. Wish I could just go into a hole for the entire three months of Octnovdec.
EDIT: You know, now that I think about it... it would not feel so lonely if I had a family that actually felt like my own. Not like some stranger's life. They're beliefs are too radical for me. I'm no Born-Again-protestant-Hail-Mary child. And my grandma... she's just so... fragile. It's very hard to be myself around her when I'm so rough around the edges... I'm afraid I might, y'know, cut her with my sharp humor.
...I'm just... entirely depressed... she was mad when I said I got her a gift. If she doesn't want it, fine... I'm just really upset that Kir left and I'm lonely. I feel like ordering a pizza or something to console my stupid ass and stay warm and feel nice and fat.
Most of all, I hate work. I hate work. I hate work. I HATE WORK. It's gotten so bad where the minute i walk up the steps to go inside, I'm ready to leave. It's really quite sad. I can't bear to even talk on a regular phone on personal terms. Being without Kir is like being without an arm. I feel pretty stupid, like, "How can I have forgotten how to ENJOY being alone for once?"
And all my friends on LJ... I practically don't know if any of them still read it. I know i've been distant, but my mother DIED, and I'm just now learning how to do things the way I used to...
with the exception of having my usual complaints. Now I have more adult issues facing me. Like health insurance. And whatnot. *shot*
- Mood:
pissed off - Music:Now is Mine - K's Choice
I JUST WENT TO HEAVEN. IT HAS ICE CREAM. AND PYRAMID HEAD.
But I need a scanner, gaiz. And a system on which to play the new SH: Homecoming (when it comes out).
Reading Renfield: Slave of Dracula by Barbara Hambly. Yayness.
- Mood:
cheerful
I can't love him anymore. The sex is boring, the attention he pays me is abysmally half-assed. It's as if he's doing it just to have a reason to be kept around. Why doesn't he show me he's worth more than the shit he is behind my back? At the very least, he sucks. Honestly. He doesn't tell ANY of his stupid online friends that I'm his girlfriend. I'm just his "very good friend". He doesn't brag about me, not even a little. He tells one "friend" of his he's going to save up money to go see them, and once he's found out, he tells another friend he's going to go see THEM until I find him out again. Online or not, that's fucking cheating. He tells them how special they are. How wonderful. Yeah. When does he ever fucking say that to my face and mean it? Or at all, for that matter?
And I thought it was normal.
I'm stuck with him. There's no fucking way I can get out of it now. He's the only one I know in this whole stupid house.
He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me at all. He says it but he may as well fart in my fucking face. I'm just convenient to him, as always.
...Put in an application to the dollar store. Going to try Burger King, McD' s and Yando's next... Pray for me... as always.
- Mood:
angry
So I moved on on Thursday, and Kirby helped, and he's been staying with me. Corey (the land-lordy type figure of the house) says he'll give me a month to look for a job to start paying the very reasonable 200 a month, flat fee. Food is fend-for-yourself. Toilet paper is hardly a problem - they take the big industrial sized rolls from work and they last forever.
Uhhh.... yeah. So um. Also? Internet. I has it. *cling*
And, uh, guys, I don't usually pimp my artwork or anything but please go visit my DA once in awhile. I probably update there more often than I do here.
It's at this link, and also visit my Fanfiction.net account.
- Mood:
accomplished
HAPPY B-DAY TO MEEE. I'm going to Koto's this week , maybe tomorrow - a dear friend of my mother's sent me a gift certificate to go there, so I'm taking Kirby with me and it'll be GREAT.
SOO BUSY. And I cried yesterday. I'm such an emo bitch. *Waves* Seeya... my internet's evil..
- Mood:
awake
DANTE VS. NERO = WET IN MY PANTIES. SQUEE SQUEE.
Enough gushing. I'm going to spend a lot of time with my 360 playing buddy. PLAYING THAT THERE GAME. T_T
- Mood:
excited
This new bit of knowledge is burdening. Now I have to avoid telling my mom until she gets out of the hospital. How much more torment am I going to have to go through before I win at least SOME level of fucking normalcy?
Meepers, R.I.P. (i don't even know when he died - only "Several months back").
- Mood:
discontent
Bye.
- Mood:
happy
- Mood: awake
*drawing* I really should be packing. I just realized I've been looking at the wrong month all this time, and the 26th IS Friday. Not Sunday. I blow so hard. *sighs*
*drawing Dante and Alucard looking harmlessly chummy*
- Mood:
silly
No, not really.
Uh, so, my grandad called. Grandma Dottie called him and then he called me.. and people suddenly give a shit about my mom - when she's like, very sick. But I can't complain. One of mom's online chatroom friends wants to send her flowers as soon as they send her to a regular room...
But she's doing okay... slow, slow, slow. Recovery-wise. I feel kind of numb and tired... but coffee helps. Coffee and chocolate-mint poptarts. *Munch, munch*
Grandma brought up an interesting point: for some reason, she thought mom never told me I had a brother. It was one of the first things mom made me aware of when I was "old enough" to understand. So I told her, yeah, and that I was thinking about going to look for him at the county clerk office in the place he was born - which isn't hard. He was born in Plattsburgh, I think. Where I go to college.
-Me
(P.S. - I wish I could tell Sarah how awesome that song is that she had on her journal entry - IAMX - Spit it out is awesome... shit, I should probably try to add her to my friend's list again.)
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Muse - Time Is Running Out
My mom almost died today.
She needed another surgery, because the stitching from the first surgery fell apart and allowed some digesting materials into her abdomen, which caused her heart rate to go up. Simply, it made her ill.
During the surgery, her heart stopped. Two minutes later they got it started again. They put a bag on her and she'll be intibated for awhile, and in intensive care. Tomorrow, I'm going up to Burlingon VT to go see her myself with Darlene, and then I'm staying at a hospice apartment in Westport, NY and I think Darlene is staying with me.
I haven't stopped crying until just recently, but maybe that's because of the hour-long hot bath and the three or so Excedrin Migraine I took just before that. I feel a little wacked out, so bear with me if I mispel stuff...
Someone came down to talk to me because I've been alone all this time... and gave me some awesome suggestions for when I go visit her. I need to promise myself to stay calm, because my mom isn't going to look well (assuming they even let me in to see her - and they damn well better, after driving all the way from another damn state)... Er, where was I... oh yeah. I better stay calm... y'know, and also I should write down questions to ask the doctors and such. Fletcher Allen is an awesome hospital; everyone says that. She's in very good hands. If anyone knows about Fletcher Allen then it's probably because of all the "we're a frickin' awesome hospital" commercials (for those who live around my area). Lots of people get shipped in to Fletcher if they have ubser serious issues...
Sorry.... I'm rambling on and on. So I hope this isn't too big of an annoyance. Not that anyone reads my LJ anymore (ahem, this is also going on my DA account). I'm gonna call up the hospital tonight myself and ask them about mom, then tell the nurses to tell my mom (even though she's sedated) that I love her, and goodnight, and please live. And all that.
Ummm.... I don't know what else to write about... For once, I really don't want anyone to see me bitching about things. This is really me, not some bunch of stupid words on a screen. I'm a goddamn person and these are emotions, real ones. I live with fear and anxiety more than most people know.... because I for one am proud to say that I don't say my mother is a horrible person. My mother is fucking cool (All my friends say so; she's the hippest fucking mom you'll ever chance to meet), and if anyone deserves to get through this in one piece, it's HER.
So... please. Pray. Do a ceremony with your friends. Light some candles. Do whatever you do, but I've always believed that positive energy can achieve great things.... I'm going to see her myself tomorrow...
-Amanda
- Mood:
scared
Author's Notes: I have typo problems. I shouldn't have written that one chapter half-drunk then. I guess drinking only expands my attention span rather than restricts it.
----
- Mood: anxious
So, yeah. I've been a little sad lately... and I don't want anyone thinking it's their fault. Because it's not. Sometimes I just get sad, and sometimes people get sad for no reason at all - or what feels like no good reason. I just want to write about it, for once, and try to take an outside perspective. I'll probably fail half-way through and start my usual bitching retinue which is why so many of my "friends" are discouraged to read my LJ.
- Mood:
moody
'WARE, O FRIENDS OF THE INTERNET. THERE BE STUPID PEOPLE ABOUT.
- Mood:
bitchy
But this bus station is a place where no one cares whether or not you stink and if they do, they only message you're getting is a weird look or maybe just a few people don't breathe as much as they probably should. People don't care about the important things anyway.
But you meet someone... you speak the same language, you get along great. Even better than you have with anyone you've ever met in your entire life. And it feels so good to be with this person. They say opposites attract, but nothing is greater than the force between two individuals who see eye to eye. There's no uncomfortable silences, no topics that cannot be discussed. Everything just *works*. There's almost no need to ask questions.
In due time, you're making love and promises you probably can't keep, but you want to make this person so goddamn happy with you that it's almost inconsequential what you promise because in the end, what you say in the past doesn't matter in the flash and excitement of the present. You live every day blindly, throttling yourself with love so hard it hurts when you're apart. Mornings are French Vanilla white (or coffee black), sunny-side up, with all the sugar in all the right places, and he never fails to rub you the right way.
But what you fail to realize, in the distant pangs of suspicion, that the Ex Girlfriend is a haunting figure of his dreams. He left her for you, after all. But there is a poison creeping along the vital organs of passionate, long-lasting love. A poison called doubt - bitter-sour bile that sticks in the back of your throat when you clear it to speak.
And in a flash, he's asking to just be friends for awhile. He's uncomfortable. He won't look at you. There is no cheerful chatter over coffee that tastes bland and food that feels like hard chunks of wood.
And you're struggling even harder to make him love YOU, to realize that YOU are his Everything-Forever-And-Nothing-Will-Take-Y
The futility of your deranged scurrying to hold onto something beautiful that's long gone hits you, like a ton of bricks.
He tells you like a coward through technology, using it as a holy shield against emotional backlash, that he's back with that evil, dark stain of an X.
What did I do? you think, oh god, what the fuck did I do wrong?
Weeks later you lay awake alone in bed. Anyone looking, who could spare a glance for a tragic sleeper, would see your dreams written all over your face. Or maybe, the glaring cold and lonely absence of dreams in a tundra of heartbroken pieces.
---
Yeah. Yeah I wrote this because I feel angsty. No, I didn't meet Kir at a bus stop. It's actually the place where I feel the most pain because we always took the bus to and from classes together...
That's all. Sorry to depress everyone.
i wasted 40 dollars just to play this fucking game. And the mouse I bought is spastic.
I should've just bought that Playstation2 game I spied... it looked interesting. *sighs*
Alrighty then. The news? I'm depressed and I want to die. Nothing special.
I'm in a pissed off fucking mood, and it seems every where I goddamn turn I'm surrounded by IDIOTS.
You'd THINk that Two Brothers Meat Market would hire employees smart enough NOT TO PUT SPICY MUSTARD on a fucking sandwich that CLEARLY said LIGHT OIL.
I Mean... WTF. I'm so SICK of medoicre service, of SHIT, and it's getting on my nerves.
I should know better than to epxect anything more from that fucking deli. IDIOTS.
